I ate pizza and now I hate myself

uglys — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 19:34:44 -0700

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uglys — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 17:13:07 -0800

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uglys — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 15:05:25 -0800

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uglys — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 15:00:29 -0800

I was looking at the pictures my aunt took during Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, I’m off guard in...

uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 19:10:38 -0800

I was looking at the pictures my aunt took during Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, I’m off guard in all of them… and I look worse than I thought I look when I’m not posing prettily for the camera. That means, I look absolutely disgusting.

Seriously. My nose, my fat cheeks, my undefined chin. And I’m just such a piece of lard in general. Fuck my face. Fuck me.

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:52:07 -0800

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:50:38 -0800

I hate torturing myself with these bad thoughts but I just can’t help it sometimes I feel...

uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:45:17 -0800

I hate torturing myself with these bad thoughts but I just can’t help it sometimes

I feel stupid for thinking these things

I think my boyfriend made my self-image problems worse

He tells me that I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen but like the first six months we were together he watched ridiculous amounts of porn. Yeah, I get it, it’s a guy thing. I understood it at first, for the initial couple of months I even liked it because I used to watch porn back then too and I thought it’d be fun you know?… then we had sex. Four months into our relationship. I don’t really know what happened. After that, I started getting more territorial than I was already feeling. I felt that since we were having a pretty good sex life and he STILL had to jack off and look at porn, that I wasn’t good enough. The same girls that I used to look at for pleasure I began looking at with jealousy and feeling insecure. He then sent me a bunch of articles and “studies” about men and porn and how men watching porn has nothing to do with the girl in the relationship, and the girls in pornography are”just images” to “help” guys “relieve stress”/receive pleasure. I fell for it maybe a couple of weeks. But then I thought, dude, we’ve been fucking almost every day, at your disgusting request I’ve even demeaned myself on webcam. So I gave him an ultimatum over the summer. I told him about how I felt insecure and uncomfortable and that I couldn’t be with him under these circumstances. He *says* that he stopped after that (and I’d just like to point out that I stopped looking at porn before we even had sex, after HE started complaining about it, and yet I’d been complaining about it for at least two months before he finally stopped. What kind of bull shit is that?)

Throughout this entire process we’ve had a lot of fights. Once he upset me when he told me he thought the girls he “used to” watch were pretty and he compared them to me. Yeah, that fucking hurt. Then just a month or two ago I found porn files on his computer and he had the profile of a pretty girl from school he used to have a thing with bookmarked. That hurt. He barely deleted those files I found two weeks ago, and I literally had to sit there and watch as he reluctantly did it. Thanks a fucking lot for making me feel like a bitchy mom or some shit. You’re the one that promised… we could’ve just been done months ago, but you CHOSE to promise and stay with me. Don’t make me feel bad because I’m not willing to deal with certain things, and because you chose to sacrifice those things.

As you’ve probably seen, I’ve used quotation marks extensively in this post. That’s because I don’t buy it. I don’t buy that he magically just stopped looking at porn and I strongly suspect that he’s been lying to me. I don’t buy that he “doesn’t have the urges” anymore because he has me. He only says these things to keep me happy. To kind of cushion the blow of my insecurity. Honestly I just wish he’d tell me that I’m right in my suspicions so we can break up, because this is just torture.

I’m tired of thinking I need a porn star’s body to be attractive to my own boyfriend. I’m tired of comparing myself to those girls. I’m tired of feeling not good enough to satisfy my boyfriend. I’m tired of being paranoid and all this shit.

After months of containing my true feelings, I finally mustered the courage to write about them in a blog post… I’m actually really embarrassed. Can someone tell me that I’m not the only one who feels this way? Reassure me that I’m not a complete psycho bitch? Please?

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:17:36 -0800

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:11:48 -0800

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:10:14 -0800

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:09:21 -0800

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uglys — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 13:08:31 -0800

collinpro: Fitness Lovers

uglys — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 15:05:51 -0800

collinpro:

Fitness Lovers

goforless: Light of the Star on We Heart It....

uglys — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 15:04:27 -0800

goforless:

Light of the Star on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/40806618

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uglys — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 14:58:12 -0800

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uglys — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 14:54:31 -0800

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uglys — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 19:10:28 -0700

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uglys — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 19:07:46 -0700

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uglys — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 19:07:33 -0700

I want a perfect body

I ate pizza and now I hate myself

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I was looking at the pictures my aunt took during Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, I’m off guard in...

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I hate torturing myself with these bad thoughts but I just can’t help it sometimes I feel...

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collinpro: Fitness Lovers

goforless: Light of the Star on We Heart It....

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